How to Cope with Insecurity in Your Relationship (Without Losing Yourself)
Feeling insecure in your relationship can feel like an emotional rollercoaster. One moment you're connected and confident, and the next you're spiraling in self-doubt, anxiety, or jealousy. If you've ever felt this way, you're not alone. Insecurity is something many people face, even in healthy relationships. But the good news? There are practical steps you can take to manage it, soothe your anxiety, and build a stronger connection with both yourself and your partner.
Why We Feel Insecure in Relationships
Insecurity often stems from the ways we learned to relate to ourselves and others early in life. Our attachment style—shaped by our caregivers and early relational experiences—lays the foundation for how safe and worthy we feel in relationships. These things are not your fault! For example, those with anxious attachment may constantly seek reassurance, fearing abandonment, while those with avoidant attachment might suppress their needs to avoid vulnerability. Over time, these patterns become internalized as core beliefs like “I’m not enough,” “I’m too much,” or “I have to earn love to be worthy of it.” These beliefs fuel negative self-talk that can become a constant mental soundtrack, reinforcing our doubts and keeping us stuck in cycles of self-criticism. Insecurity isn’t a personal failing—it’s often a byproduct of the ways we adapted to feel safe, and the good news is: with awareness and self-compassion, those patterns can begin to shift. But while many factors are out of our control (like the past, our partner’s thoughts actions and values, ), there are plenty we can influence. Let’s start there.
Factors That Impact Relationship Insecurity (That You Can Control)
Self-Talk: The way you speak to yourself matters. Do you talk to yourself with compassion or criticism? Insecure thoughts often start with a harsh inner voice. Practicing gentler, more affirming self-talk can be transformative.
Attachment Style: Understanding your attachment style (anxious, avoidant, secure, etc.) can help you recognize patterns that feed insecurity. When you're aware of your default reactions, you can begin to respond instead of react.
Emotional Regulation: Learning to calm your body when anxiety hits is key. This might include grounding exercises, breathwork, tapping (like the butterfly hug), or movement. Regulating your nervous system helps bring clarity and peace.
Boundary Setting: Being clear on your needs and limits helps you feel more secure. Insecurity thrives when you’re unsure of what’s okay and what’s not.
Healthy Communication: Expressing your feelings openly and kindly can deepen connection. Instead of accusing or withdrawing, try sharing your vulnerability: "That moment made me feel insecure, and I want to feel close to you."
Sense of Self-Worth: Insecurity often tells us we aren't enough. Actively nurturing your sense of worth through affirmations, values-based action, and self-care helps quiet that inner critic.
Actionable Steps You Can Take Right Now:
Acknowledge and validate your experience. Notice if you have feelings of shame and see if you can shift to self-compassion and validating your experience.
Identify if this is negative self-talk, or your own negative cognitions impacting your experience. If so, recognize the patterns and practice emotion regulation and self soothing. If it is not, then its time to talk to your partner about ways they can support you.
Use these nervous system regulation tactics to calm your somatic experience with anxiety.
Redirect your focus on to something that helps you feel empowered. This can be a creative project, a career endeavor, or just identifying your strengths and unique value.
Use the following journal prompts to help you process your inner dialogue:
Journal Prompts to Explore & Soothe Insecurity
To Process the Moment:
What exactly happened, and how did it make me feel in my body and emotions?
What story did I tell myself in that moment? What did I make it mean about me or my relationship?
Is that story 100% true? What evidence do I have that challenges it?
To Connect with Underlying Wounds:
Have I felt this feeling before—in past relationships, childhood, or other moments? What does it remind me of?
What does the younger version of me (the part that felt rejected or abandoned) need to hear right now?
If I could speak directly to my anxiety or jealousy, what would I say to it? What does it want me to know or protect me from?
To Reconnect with Self-Worth & Safety:
What do I know is true about my worth, beauty, and what I bring to my relationship?
What are three moments when my partner made me feel seen, chosen, or safe?
What do I need from myself and/or my partner to feel more secure right now? How can I lovingly ask for it?
To Shift Into Empowerment:
How do I want to respond to this feeling instead of reacting from it?
What boundaries, needs, or practices help me feel more grounded in love and trust?
If I fully believed I am enough, how would I show up in my relationship today?
Final Thoughts
Insecurity doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed, or that you’re broken. It simply means there’s something tender that needs attention. By getting curious about your inner world, learning new skills, and tending to your needs, you can experience more ease and trust—within yourself and your relationship.
You are worthy of love that feels safe, steady, and true. And it starts with how you love yourself through the hard moments, too.
Are you interested in addressing insecurity in relationships and exploring your attachment patterns? Reach out today!
