Cultivate Self-Compassion for Change Behavior
Do you ever find yourself in a shame spiral, feeling stuck and totally lost on how to change your behaviors?
Many of us hold onto the belief that shame and self-criticism are motivators. It might not even be a conscious belief, just subconscious behavior. We lay awake at night feeling bad about the decisions we made and promise ourselves to do better tomorrow but repeat all the same things the next day. But research and lived experience tell a different story: shame doesn’t motivate us. Instead, it keeps us stuck, frozen in fear, and disconnected from our capacity for growth.
The Myth of Motivation Through Shame
Shame often convinces us that we’re fundamentally flawed, which leads to a relentless inner dialogue of self-criticism. But here’s the truth: berating ourselves for our mistakes or shortcomings doesn’t lead to the transformation we hope for. It maintains focus on inadequacy, it keeps us small, and it prevents us from seeing our full potential. Shame triggers our fight-or-flight response, making us feel avoidant, defensive, or frozen.
Expansiveness and growth come from embracing openness, cultivating curiosity, and genuinely accepting our inner experiences. Imagine setting out on a hike to reach the peak of a mountain—would you feel inspired to keep going if your inner dialogue constantly said, “I can’t do this”? Most of us wouldn’t. That kind of self-talk often leads to looking for excuses to quit or turning back at the first challenge. However, if you acknowledge the difficulty of the journey, focus on your strengths and capabilities, and allow yourself to find meaning in the process—even in the toughest moments—you’re much more likely to reach the summit.
Radical Acceptance: Facing Your Internal Experience
If shame and criticism don’t work, what does? One powerful approach is radical acceptance—the practice of fully acknowledging and accepting your internal experience, even when it’s uncomfortable or painful. Radical acceptance doesn’t mean you like or agree with everything you think or feel. Instead, it’s about letting go of resistance and judgment, creating space for curiosity and understanding. Have you ever realized that trying to convince yourself to not have a certain thought or emotion just doesn’t work? Its because shame, and judgment, and rigidity around our experience increase our suffering and keep us stuck.
Imagine saying to yourself: “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now, and that’s okay. I don’t have to fight this feeling; I can just notice it.” This simple act of acknowledgment helps reduce the emotional charge of the experience and allows you to approach it with more clarity and compassion.
How to Have Curiosity of Your Experience
Once you’ve accepted your internal experience, you can shift your focus to curiosity. Ask yourself:
Why do I think this way?
What patterns might be at play here?
What need or fear could this emotion be trying to communicate?
What does the part of me that holds this fear really need?
This kind of gentle inquiry helps you move away from self-judgment and toward self-understanding. It’s like being a detective of your own mind, uncovering the origins of your thoughts and feelings without blaming yourself for them. Really, the emotion or thought you are having is just part of your human experience. Embracing your humanity and living with acceptance of it is the only way to work with it.
Leading with Self-Compassion
The final step is to bring compassion into the process. Instead of seeing your struggles or shortcomings as evidence of failure, view them as opportunities for growth. Ask yourself: If I were supporting a dear friend or a young child through this experience, how would I speak to them? Then, practice extending that same kindness to yourself.
When we lead with compassion, we create a safe internal environment that fosters growth and resilience. Self-compassion isn’t about letting yourself off the hook; it’s about creating the conditions for real and lasting change. By treating yourself with understanding and care, you’re more likely to make choices that align with your values and goals.
A Self-Compassion Practice to Try
Here’s a simple exercise to help you cultivate self-compassion:
Pause and Notice: When you catch yourself in self-critical dialogue, pause. Take a deep breath and notice what you’re feeling.
Acknowledge Your Experience: Say to yourself, “This is hard right now, and it’s okay to feel this way.”
Shift to Curiosity: Ask yourself, “What might be behind this feeling or thought? What do I need in this moment?”
Respond with Kindness: Offer yourself a compassionate response. For example, “I’m doing the best I can, and that’s enough.”
Here are some examples of shame dialogue and then self-compassionate, curious and accepting dialogue:
I lay awake at night thinking about how much sugar I ate and how I did not meet my goals:
Inner thoughts of shame:
“Why did I do that?”
“Why can’t I just be like everyone else and have self-control?”
“I will never be lovable.”
“Why does this have to be so hard for me?”
“What is wrong with me?”
“I will never be good enough.”
Thoughts that promote curiosity, acceptance, and self-compassion:
“I notice I am feeling a lot of guilt about my eating habits, and I have a lot of negative inner dialogue.”
“I notice I am experiencing shame.”
“The shame feels like tightness and pain in my spine, and restriction around my chest, it is a painful experience.”
“The shame wants me to do better next time but doesn’t believe I will.”
“I notice there is a part of me that wants to eat better and live healthier, but there is also a part of me that wants to be free from rules and do whatever I want.”
“I feel anger about the part of me that won’t listen to the food rules.”
“How do I have compassion for the part of me that isn’t on board with eating healthy?”
“Where does that part of me come from?”
“I think it is a part of me that wants to be loved and feel worthy as I am and is tired of always feeling like I’m not good enough.”
“The shame doesn’t want that part to come to the surface, because it doesn’t trust that part of me.”
“That part of me feels like a young child just wanting to be loved, and the shame feels like an angry coach.”
“I can hold space for this young part, and love it, and allow it to exist and protect it from the shame by speaking words of kindness.”
“The shame is trying to motivate me, but it has never worked.”
“I can have compassion for the shame experience and the young part of me that wants to be worthy.”
“All parts of me want to feel loved, and worthy, and good enough.”
“Observing and being curious like this is relieving the pain and tension in my spine and chest.”
“I allow myself to experience what I am experiencing and just notice the body sensations shifting within me.”
“I wonder how I can make changes and lead from a place of self-love and compassion?”
“The shame part does not believe that will work, but I can ask it to let me try something new.”
“I embrace the human experience of painful thoughts and emotions, as well as of loving and joyful thoughts and emotions.”
“I am capable of handling hard things and still meeting my goals with kindness towards myself.”
Final Thoughts
Self-compassion and radical acceptance are transformative practices that allow us to tolerate our internal experiences without judgment or resistance. By releasing shame and embracing curiosity and kindness, we open the door to meaningful growth and change. Remember: You don’t have to have it all figured out. You just need to start with acceptance. Take one small step at a time and treat yourself with the same compassion you’d offer to someone you love. Your inner critic might have a hard time letting go and trusting compassion will work, but that is okay. Just notice and observe without judgment and slowly start to accept your inner experience with compassion and grace.
