Shame Spiraling: Breaking Free
Shame spiraling can feel like being caught in a whirlwind of negative self-talk and overwhelming emotions. It’s that moment when a small mistake snowballs into a barrage of self-criticism, leaving you feeling trapped and hopeless. It is like mentally punishing yourself over and over again for any mistake you’ve made, embarrassing moment you had, or negative impact you had. Many of my clients with depression and anxiety struggle with shame spiraling. It can happen at the worst moments… maybe right before a big public speech, trying something new, or when you are trying to sleep at night. It’s essential to remember that you are not alone, and there are ways to navigate through these difficult moments. In this blog post, we'll explore what shame spiraling is, why it happens, and most importantly, how to break free from its grip.
Understanding Shame Spirals
Shame spiraling occurs when we experience intense feelings of guilt, shame, or regret, often triggered by a perceived failure or mistake. Instead of addressing the issue constructively, we descend into a cycle of self-blame and self-criticism. We may find ourselves engaging in negative self-talk, calling ourselves names, or replaying past events with a harsh inner voice. Sometimes it can lead to panic, sleeplessness, or harmful behaviors.
Why Do We Shame Spiral?
Understanding the root causes of shame spiraling can help us address it more effectively. Shame often stems from internalized beliefs about ourselves, learned from past experiences or societal expectations. It can also be fueled by fear of judgment or rejection from others.
Biological: As Humans, our biological make up drives us to fit in, and to fit in, we need to be acceptable. While this is normal and appropriate for human survival, we might at times perceive ourselves as falling short of these expectations, and we may resort to self-punishment as a way to cope with our discomfort or perception of not fitting in.
Trauma: Whether experienced in childhood or adulthood, trauma can deeply impact our sense of self-worth and contribute to the development of shame. When we endure traumatic events, whether it's physical, emotional, or psychological abuse, our sense of safety and trust in ourselves and others can be shattered. We may internalize the messages of our abusers, believing that we are inherently flawed or unworthy of love and acceptance. This internalized shame can linger long after the traumatic event has passed, manifesting in self-blame, guilt, and a pervasive sense of inadequacy. Moreover, the secrecy and stigma often surrounding trauma can exacerbate feelings of shame, making it difficult for survivors to seek help or share their experiences with others.
IFS Theory: In Internal Family Systems, we identify the source of shame as a “Protector” or “Manager” part. The desire of the part is to keep us in line, prevent us from failing, and to make sure we don’t repeat past mistakes. However, it does this in a way that actually puts us in a freeze state. There is a way to learn from past mistakes or perceived failures without the use of shame, and that is what we have to teach the protector.
Stop Shame Spiraling in the Moment:
Recognize the Signs: Awareness is the first step to breaking free from a shame spiral. Pay attention to the physical and emotional cues that signal you’re entering this cycle. Notice any patterns in your thoughts or behaviors that indicate self-criticism or harsh judgment.
Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer to a friend in need. Remind yourself that making mistakes is a natural part of being human, and it doesn’t diminish your worth as a person. You can even speak to the “protector part,” in a gentle and compassionate way by recognizing and thanking the intention to help, but coaching it in learning new methods for attaining success. This is called gentle reparenting of parts.
Challenge Negative Thoughts: Question the validity of your negative self-talk. Are your thoughts based on facts, or are they distorted by self-doubt and insecurity? Replace harsh judgments with more balanced and compassionate perspectives.
Reach Out for Support: Don’t hesitate to lean on your support network when you’re struggling with shame. Whether it’s a friend, family member, or therapist, sharing your feelings with someone you trust can provide comfort and perspective.
Practice Mindfulness: Cultivate present-moment awareness to ground yourself when you feel overwhelmed by shame. Focus on your breath or engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation, such as meditation, yoga, or creative expression. It can be important to let yourself feel certain emotions so that you aren’t suppressing your emotional experience, but there is a difference between feeling an emotion and letting it pass, versus getting stuck in a negative spiral. Develop mindfulness of that difference and learn when you need to feel the emotion to let it pass, or interrupt it with something positive.
Keep Lists to Help You Remember the Positive: You can keep a running list in the notes app of your phone of all your accomplishments, positive traits, and strengths. It can be hard to remember the good when the strong sensations and emotions of shame take over. Reading the list can help you remember that you are not that bad!
Physically Interrupt: Take a walk, exercise, take a shower or a bath, change your physical environment. Do whatever your body needs to shift the state of mind.
Break Free from the Shame Spiral Habit
Seek Professional Help. If shame spiraling becomes a recurring pattern that significantly impacts your well-being, consider seeking therapy. A trained therapist can help you explore the underlying causes of your shame and develop coping strategies to manage it more effectively. At Brighter Minds Therapy, we treat shame through IFS and EMDR.
Healing involves addressing the painful memories and emotions but also challenging the deep-seated shame that may have taken root because of trauma. It requires cultivating self-compassion, reclaiming one's sense of agency, and building supportive connections with others who can offer understanding and validation.
Conclusion
Shame spiraling can be a challenging experience, but it’s important to remember that it doesn’t define who you are. By cultivating self-awareness, practicing self-compassion, and seeking support when needed, you can break free from the grip of shame and embrace a more empowered and resilient mindset.
Remember, healing takes time and effort, but you are worthy of compassion and forgiveness, both from others and from yourself. Embrace the journey of self-discovery and growth, knowing that you have the strength within you to overcome shame and reclaim your sense of worth and dignity.
If you're struggling with shame spiraling or any other mental health challenges, don't hesitate to reach out for help. You are not alone, and support is available.
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